The ‘tugging’ of the Holy Spirit.

St-Peters-Holy-Spirit-Window

Over the past four years  my life has been Navigated in a new direction.  In retrospect, I think I understand the purpose for these peaks and troughs experienced along the way. The troughs have been dark and deep and as a result, I sought / seek out Jesus my Saviour. He is my Comforter, my Compass, my Rock. In times of great stress and anguish my heart yearns for the Eucharist.  After receiving Jesus in Communion, my head clears and I feel strengthened to move on. I especially feel God’s grace through the Eucharist when I have been to confession. It doesn’t happen every time, but when it does, it’s an indescribable feeling. Confession has become a regular practise for me. It has become more important than ever in my life, and the more I participate in this amazing Sacrament the more I discover the benefits of it. I want to be ready for God’s Grace, and nothing prepare’s my soul for this wonderful gift more than Confession.

For some time have I  been searching for the Holy Spirit, reading about Him, praying for His direction, and slowly but surely, have I become aware of  His presence. My awareness has been gradual and surprising: springing to life during a conversation perhaps; in the recognition of  yet another answer to something that I have been struggling to grasp; in a  desperate situation.

Recently I attended a meeting which would pivotal to the trajectory of my career. My boss would present and as it happened so was a senior leadership team member and two other staff members. There had been accusations made against me, and as a result I was feeling emotional, stressed and so anxious I couldn’t think straight. I did not sleep well as a result. As I got ready for work on the morning of the meeting, my thoughts were woolly and I felt far from confident or strong enough to face the ‘firing-squad’ later that morning. Desperation began to surface five minutes before the meeting was due to start and I started to pray earnestly to the Holy Spirit for the necessary guidance and strength to get through the meeting. (I had still not sorted out in my mind which tack to follow: 1. An accusatory one that would vindicate me but one that would not be made with a clear Christian conscience ; 2. Or somehow be  positive, yet  forthright, and attempt to remain calm and quietly assertive at the same time. The latter choice was proving difficult to muster.) And so I prayed as I had never before, to the Holy Spirit!

As the meeting progressed I became more and more confident and felt as though words were being put into my mouth. I was saying them, but I have no recollection of formulating the statements I was putting forth. The meeting ended with a clear line being drawn under the issues raised, forever. I left  feeling calm, confident and oh so grateful for the presence of the Holy Spirit who was there to clear my thoughts and make a way to end what was to be the most difficult professional situation I have had to face to date. I simply would not have coped on my own. Needless to say, I prayed numerous prayers of thanks on the way home that night!

Subtly of late, have I become uneasy/uncomfortable at  feelings of resentment that have surfaced from time to time. Every time I feel resentment, it is matched with an equal measure of uneasiness. The familiar feeling of awareness arose in me as I recognised this unease as a tugging of the Holy Spirit, pulling me firmly to the signpost the reads ‘humility‘.  HUMILITY! It unfolded so gently and so clearly to me as I came to recognise that my feelings of resentment are in fact  a bulletin board lit in floodlights pointing to my sin of pride, and how I’m  lacking  in the virtue of  humility. Once I had made the connection, the same familiar warmth spread in my heart as I realised that I had received a message from God himself, through the tugging of the Holy Spirit.

I thank you Lord for the  help-mate and friend I have in Your Holy Spirit, and I ask that my heart remains open to Your tugging and gentle guidance. Amen.

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