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Finally connecting the dots.

Image@scenicreflections.com

I just love this picture because it can be used to represents many different life experiences, emotions, difficulties, challenges, feelings and feats. The second I saw this I knew it would serve it’s purpose for this post.

After many years of hard work (slog), perseverance and grit, I was finally promoted to a position at work that I had aspired to when I was a lot younger.  ( On immigrating to the U.K. in my late thirties, I felt as though I had missed the boat in terms of making a real difference through my chosen career, and carving out a niche of expertise and a personal skill set that would  allow me to climb the career ladder.)

This past year has proved to be both challenging and insightful. My superior, who is set to resign within in the next few years, has experienced a difficult time letting go of any responsibilities and delegating them to me. For my part, it’s been a year wrought with self-doubt, introspection and anxiety.

I ‘ ve known Teri for more that a decade and thought that moving into a senior position alongside someone with 25 years of experience to share would be beneficial. However, it has proved to be a somewhat trying year for me. From the outset, have I felt scrutinised, judged and watched. A few weeks into my new position I was told that another member of staff (a favoured friend of Teri’s ), was passed over for the position, and that I was put forward for the position instead. Why even share this kind of information? I felt really uncomfortable, hurt even, by the audacity of the relaying this information. At this point did I begin to feel doubt. Doubt that we would work successfully together. Doubt that we could ever become good friends. Doubt about whether I would be respected as a right-hand man. Doubt that I would remain confident enough in myself and my skills to ‘win’ approval.

Without going into any further detail, let it suffice for me to say that I have been struggling with self-doubt up until this past week. On Tuesday the penny finally dropped for me. I understood why I have been feeling this way. Teri and I see the world from two very different perspectives. I am a practising Catholic. I take for granted that I am there to assist and guide whomever God puts in my path. I go out of my way to be as pleasant and as accommodating as possible. Teri can be pretty self-centred, highly opinionated and derisive, having no Faith that I know of, openly attacking and questioning decisions I  made in Faith.

During a conversation, again it was repeated,’I’m surely not going to do spoon feed them, it’s up to them to do the job properly’ , saying this  after I ‘d suggested that we share good practice with a neighbouring department. It was then that I realised that I have been put into this position for a purpose. I don’t know how the Lord wants to use me, but I have accepted and  made peace with myself about my role in this position.  I have finally connected the dots after much soul-searching. I have found peace.

‘Remember that men change easily, and that you can not place your trust in them; therefore attach yourself to God alone.’

St. Teresa of Jesus

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